Ruthie, Queen of the Late Bloomers Post #5 - Deny, Ignore, Avoid

If I weren’t still so mad that Miss Boyce called my mom last night about what happened at the eighth grade graduation, I might actually be happy to see Grandma Elle this morning standing in our kitchen guzzling coffee and chomping on Wintergreen Lifesavers.

Thanks to Miss Boyce, Mom’s going to make me see a therapist if I have another episode. I’ve been through this before, right after Dad died. Let’s just say, there are a lot of things I’d rather do than go to a therapist again. Like eat a bowl full of jalapeños doused in horseradish.

As I walk into the kitchen and before I can say a word, Mom sees me and says, “Ruthie, don’t get upset.”

“Yeah, Bug, no reason to get your panties in a wad over this thing.” Grandma adds. “We’ve all had our moments. Trust me.”

Immediately I decide to deny, ignore, and avoid – these are the keys to my survival today. The added bonus is knowing it’ll drive my mom crazy.

“Who’s upset?” I say as nonchalantly as possible. “Hi, Grandma, long time no see.”

“Just try to keep me away when my Ruthie Bug’s in a pinch.” She says between gulps of coffee.

Ignoring Grandma’s comment and Mom’s offer of cinnamon toast and the orange she’s already peeled, I brush past both of them. I grab a bowl from the cabinet, a spoon from the drawer, the box of Fruit Loops from the pantry, the milk from the fridge, and sit down for a breakfast of champions.

“If you’re feeling like it, I mean, if you’re not too tired after the episode yesterday, I thought we’d all go shopping today. How does that sound?” Mom says pathetically hopeful.

So, that’s what we’re officially calling it - the episode.

Mercifully there’s a knock at the back door before I have to answer Mom. It’s Kelli. She actually opens the door at the same time she knocks, and walks right into the kitchen making it unnecessary for any of us to say “come in” or “who’s there?” She does this all the time. So does Mike’s friend Shawn, who lives two houses down from us.

Kelli lives across town, so she either rode her bike to our house, or her mom dropped her off. Either way, it’s an obvious conspiracy. First Grandma Elle appears after over a month of being incommunicado and now Kelli shows up for our impromptu shopping trip. My mom does not shop for fun.

“Hi, Kel. Big surprise you’re here. Want some Fruit Loops?” I ask, successfully avoiding any more conversation about the “episode” even though I know Mom won’t bring it up in front of Kelli anyway.

“You know I never turn down Fruit Loops,” she says happily.

“Grab a bowl and come on over,” I say. She does. I don’t want to believe Kelli’s in on whatever Mom and Grandma are doing, but it’s so obvious.

“I’m glad you could go with us today, Kelli.” Mom says awkwardly cheerful.

I glare at Kelli and she shrugs, as if she didn’t have a choice.

“So, as soon as you girls are finished with breakfast, we can go.” Mom says.

“After I make a trip to the potty and make a to-go cup, I’m ready too.” Grandma chimes in. The amount of coffee that woman can put down is dizzying.

Mom’s doing her best happy-mom impression today, all while she’s working on her own version of denying, ignoring, and avoiding Grandma. I have no sympathy for her since she’s the one who got Grandma involved. And I am, after all, glad to see Grandma despite the reason she’s here.

But I can’t resist inflicting a little torture.

“So, here’s a question.” I say. “How come you’re both able to take today off and go shopping, but couldn’t be there yesterday at the graduation thing?”

Mom knows full well I could care less about 8th grade graduation. Still she can’t help but take the bait. This is too easy.

“Ruthie, we discussed this. You know it was a surgery day at the clinic. Plus, I didn’t think you would . . .”

“What, Mom? Didn’t think I would mind being the only kid who didn’t have parents or grandparents in the audience?” I say as pitifully as possible.

I don’t care, of course. But this is a sick kind of fun I like to subject my mom to, especially since she’s ganging up on me.

“Or that I would be able to handle fainting in front of the entire school by myself?” I add for good measure.

Then Grandma gets involved, “Now, Bug, you know I really hate missin your school stuff and if they’d called me, I woulda . . .”

It’s not as much fun torturing Grandma. So, I decide to back off.

Through a mouth-full of Fruit Loops, Kelli says, “Actually, Jillian’s dad couldn’t be there either.”

I glare at her.

“Ruthie, if I’d known . . . Anyway, it’s over and today’s a new day. So, let’s just enjoy our shopping trip, ok?” Mom says or asks; it’s hard to tell.

I’m sick of Mom already and it’s barely past 9am, but decide to let it go. Plus, I need to concentrate on not freaking out about being in the car for an hour. On a normal day, I’d probably be able to talk Mom out of going to Indianapolis, but clearly she’s ambushed me with Kelli and Grandma Elle. This shopping trip to Indianapolis is happening whether I want it to or not.

“Thanks for inviting me, Mrs. Lohrman. I really need some new shorts. Man, I just can’t believe it’s finally summer break!” Kelli says sounding like such a butt-kisser.

As I choke down another bite of my Fruit Loops because now my stomach hurts, I realize my heartrate is picking up speed. Please, God, if you’re up there, don’t let me start to sweat.

Never mind.Too late.